Ivy Roller

It occurred to me in the shower this morning that I should probably at least be attempting to document everything that’s going on.  Simply because I remember wishing I’d done so back in June of ‘07 when I had my first psychotic episode.  The subsequent questions such as What was I thinking when the really fucked up hallucinations took hold?  and Why didn’t I ever consider calling my shrink? and How did I think the situation would be resolved? and When (and/or) would I have sought help if left unfettered? remain unanswered.  I can surmise that the psychosis descended upon me so slowly, so seamlessly, that the line differentiating reality from illusion blurred and blended.  I liken psychosis to a plane crash in that such rare and tragic occurrences happen only to other people, inconceivably to me.  Therefore despite maintaining a remarkable degree of what doctors term insight—awareness that hallucinations experienced are not real—throughout the ordeal, deciphering how I could know that people weren’t conspiring to kill me, yet believe they in fact were regardless, is simply not possible.  Ultimately what I was experiencing was real to me.  The debate for “perception is reality” never looked so good.

Familiarity prepared me for the weirdness that has infiltrated my present, and was instrumental in my compilation of Crazy Clues*, a list of warning signs designed to aid in the early detection of psychosis, making full tilt episode prevention possible.  The presence of 4 or more “True” answers to the following statements indicates positive onset of psychosis and likely need for pharmacological intervention.

1. In public everyone stares obviously, knowingly at me.

2. An indiscernible, unyielding fear permeates the hollows of my awareness.

3. Distinguishable human faces grow from apparent to prevalent among wall surfaces.

4. I constantly question the probability and consistently deny the possibility that I’m psychotic.

5. “Conversation Crawling”: critical comments I hear about me slowly displace spoken for unspoken cyclically.

6. Uncomfortable suspicion of everyone and their motives emerges as paranoia locks down in tightened grip.

7. A stagnant sense of non-human origination rooting my identity fosters feelings of omnipotence incarnate.

*Crazy Clues is not professional medical advice; if you suspect you are psychotic, go to your local ER.

Filed under: Psychosis by cindy